“Sarah!”
“What?” She was caught off guard, confused, she giggled...thought it was his temper.
“Do you know how hard it is to keep you away?” He found a place to pull over.
“Away from where?”
“Stop!” He put the car into park. “Listen, I know: You’re who you are, that’s sensible. I’ll still say I can exist without you.” He said it objectively. “You’re attracted to me because I’m me,” plainly put.
“Who’s attracted to you?” She asked defensively.
“Am I afraid of you OR are you afraid of me?” Paul asked.
“What the hell are you talking about?” She had every right questioning his comment.
“I would rather watch you part from me than regret seeing you inside.”
“I told you I don’t want to be there,” she said swiveling her head poignantly.
“You won’t be there, as you wish,” finally turning his head. “Nobody gets this deep.” Paul said with an adorable goofiness.
“Would you be more serious, please? Fuckin’ dick!” She couldn’t tell anymore; heads or tails?
“Shit!” He threw his hands down hard against the steering wheel.
“What?” She asked confused.
“I’m completely out of chap stick.” They both sighed.
Sarah wanted this -nobody knows about my life- deal to lie down. As much as Paul may have felt about Sarah, He should’ve known better and only remembered her as current. Thinking that was put-upon strangely, but Sarah wanted him to have confidence in her silent affair with him. The control was hers and for her, with him. Knowing how she felt about him kept her there. How could he not know how I feel about him, she told herself often enough. Progress for the past two and a half years seemed positive; a premier involvement with a person just discovered. Sarah didn’t care about deciding how she and Paul got in one place together, she was just glad they had.
“Why are you mad at yourself?” She already new.
“I don’t know. It’s just that, I let my,”
“Defenses down.” She interjected quickly.
“Yeah,” he said with sudden sadness.
“I’m going to run away.”
“Now you’re going to run away!?” No need for an answer he decided.
Sarah loved Paul and Paul loved Sarah. There were no secrets, just some falling out. Perhaps there was a little sidestepping between some absolute meanings. Their love is one line over and over again, non-stop and perfect. Getting to that point had more fat and more detail. It’s only fair to know the secret up front to know why it was kept in the first place.
For two and a half years Paul spent a great deal of his free time with Sarah. He couldn’t remember where twenty-three and twenty four went, but knew they weren’t wasted, not when his time was spent with her. It happens that he got stuck thinking that those years were so comfortable and easy. He didn’t need to expend much energy to figure out if it was good or bad. No cares he thought most of the time...no difficulties preventing him from knocking around or picking to death moments in every way. Helplessly he drowned himself in the past without bothering to find out how something happened; how events really transpired. The amount of guilt and assumption weighed him, it dragged his feet. His thoughts were gyred under his eyes and the stalls in his voice. The grooved face that was his now had been consumed by worry. After meeting Sarah he hadn’t ever had to think about much of anything more. Knowing that he had no reason for concern, besides regular daily decision, curled the corners of his lips and kept it impossible not to be happy. He never regretted any of that time. It was as much for her as it was for him. Sarah was why his eyes didn’t have dark circles anymore, was that fair?
It’s not to be said that Paul and Sarah didn’t fit. Both of them, after noticing, got along very well. They asked each other playfully how this was possible. The question never was answered, the conversations always ended with a joke or some unfit forge of sarcasm from Paul.
“Wow, I mean really, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this much awe...ever.” Paul said shaking his head incredulously.
“Oh stop. So I think people should stop being poor, that’s not weird.” She started laughing, he did too.
“You are so right...hell what have I been thinking all these years? What an easy solution...we should call the papers. Perhaps they can all be fashion designers as well, so much untapped resources and creativity.”
“Oh no, sorry, I won’t wear it, not if they make them.”
“Why would they be making them if they’re not poor anymore? Wouldn’t they have kids making them? Of course, remember these people aren’t poor, who’s going to clean the toilets?” She knew he was just being a dick, but he said it with so much concern. “We need to make robots now. Oh shit!!”
“What is it?” Now she was concerned.
“Ugly people, we forgot about them, what are we to going to do about them?” He begged with his eyes for an answer.
“Shut up,” she blushed; he laughed. “Why do we get along?”
“It’s all me. I make this work.” He joked.
“Not much to work with then, huh?”
“Listen you’re cute in shorts and a tank top, but I just sound good.”
“You’re an idiot!” Sarah said.
“You’re a blessing; pure relief.”
“From what?” She asked.
“Unnecessary doubt.” He laughed a little bit more.
“Of what?” She was trying to understand.
“That there isn’t anyone left to enjoy time with, together. I have absolute peace when I’m around you. There is no real reason for me to question it or even understand it, I couldn’t care less. I know what I feel when I’m with you, it’s entirely too good of a feeling to doubt. I care about you; I don’t care why. But, maybe…it’s your breasts.” He shrugged.
“Dick. Just when I think you’re being cute...”
“I go and obviate sincerity.” He smiled; she sneered.
Neither one of them really took each other too seriously. But that was because of restraint. Sarah didn’t know Paul hid things. The walks back and forth in his backyard. Nights were consumed by thought, he walked non-stop. Thoughts of her pooled, then drained, and then gathered gently inside him. Becoming a person’s evening is painful. He wrote one night he wished he could give her the thoughts he had about her.
“Because I’m afraid of everything you’ve told me,” Paul said very quietly.
“I just wish no one would love me,” Sarah said. She had already felt it. What is it? She knew; she grew from it and shrank. It was what she remembered and tried to forget.
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