September 15, 2010 (12:48am)

This is me screaming, this is me yelling: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! How many different ways can escape you? A paradox or conundrum…this puzzle can’t be solved; there only ever seems the problem. The blog is titled: “I almost quit again already” because I start and don’t finish. Don’t know if you gathered as much but I figured I’d let you know. I have too many spaces in my life that let thoughts in: the drive to work; picking on a Tuesday, the drive home; the drive to work the drive home the drive to work the drive home, cigarettes at home; after reading just a few pages of a book or viewing comedic performance; a movie (a good movie) I had a shit ton of things to talk about, I always do, but I type slower than I think…hell I live slower than I think. Ten minutes ago I was in my past, four minutes ahead I was twenty years ahead. I had some notes set aside for this:

I have a lot of books and some smarts but my unread books out weigh the intelligence I might keep (I’ll eventually list my library). I started reading Frankenstein, but before I could get to the story my head was relentlessly firing thoughts killing any target, all targets (actual or imagined). There were so many pages before the story even started, but I guess that’s where the story started. As I read the portion of the book that Mary penned herself in explanation of her motivation for the book I was discouraged in my own current past and future accomplishments, solidifying, in a way, the fact that I believe, to a degree, that if you have some kind of gift it can be devalued by seeing how others do better with the same gift. Her explanation never really came clear until several pages of words that just made me feel as dumb as I believe I am. Anyway I got past all of the things that kept me un an unrealistic pedestal I’ve been placed on by others and never myself. There was a letter entry (which, because I haven’t read anymore of the book, may just be another friend conversing before the actual story even starts) said something that made me think of my sweet faults in the corporate world I’m trying to escape…it goes like this (note: I’ll date the times that I met thoughts of others or had on my own) September 9 2010 (7:15am); Frankenstein: “I am required not only to raise the spirits of others, but sometimes to sustain my own, when theirs are failing.” Pretty universal of a feeling, it could easily be applied to things like a relationship or hell even to yourself to yourself. Is that conflict at its most basic form? There were some other things tonight that made me retreat early and bring me here (looking to quit again, already): Halloween: I haven’t ever been to an adult Halloween party. How come everything I write is so dark, but when I interact in person I joke until others are questioning my intentions: Joke or sickness of head? I was getting a tattoo the other day while watching a Stand up comic and he was right on but that wasn’t what I was thinking of…I was thinking of the secretary saying: “ I may not agree with everything he says, but I love how he says anything that comes into his head” How do you deflect it all? Doug kept saying he writes his shit, but how do you write down what only comes into your head without provocation? So the whole drive behind this is reading all my books and then documenting, with all my mediocre attempts, to log the thoughts that manifest because of said learning. I have plenty of past material that I can repost, recycle, and or republish a reorganized version of what they were before, they are now nothing. They are all no thoughts or nothing until they are read, absorbed then repeated and/or documented via another’s intentional conveyance. I was told just recently that it seemed I onl got drunker and crazier when I slept then woke again. Well, dream like I do and wake like I do to live like I do and you’ll get it; I hope you don’t get it. I’ve said I’m funnier on paper but that’s not true. How about you? I might have to gather all my written documents then edit or not then publish then hide, because there will be such backlash I won’t be able to handle, can’t handle much. I keep opening up saved Word files and I hope I can at some point catch up to where I am now.