Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Minor notes: Getting out of bed early was a snap today, thoughts of certain events bent me all to hell (dreams were fucked all too shit as well). I was cleared to receive my license back, just had to pay some money and retake the written test. Testing happens everyday except Tuesdays, today is Tuesday. I don’t like being asked who I’m talking to. Doing the blog thing has me a little worried about having to relive my days over and over again. Not that I think they’re going to be as bad as they once were. It’s a nice fantasy to think that carrying around a little black book for notes will initiate romantic scenarios, but it just doesn’t happen that way. I do hate some things, I’m fucking starving.  Staying busy with the new hobby, have to stay busy; try music, playing, reading, and learning. Have to study for the written test, not looking forward to that. Probably the hardest part is going to be capturing the thoughts I have in the shower and while I’m smoking, but there’s ways around that. No excuse only solutions. It’s hard to explain to people that you’ve grown use to isolation and like being left alone from time to time; people think it’s sad and you just really want company, but can’t ask. These are usually the same people who think you’re very smart or at least they tell you that first, then contradict it by assuming there are simple decisions you’re incapable of doing. The assumption negates their confidence in your intelligence, is that what patronizing means? I have never been to clear with its definition. Words will be a big part, books as well. Still struggling with fantasies of how I see my life i.e. record producer; writer; music writer/performer, loner; reclusive social icon. Not to any damaging point do not these overstep my reality nor do I think they’re unobtainable…I’m just real fucking lazy. I’m also seriously considering a very cheap place to live, cheaper than I’d originally planned and a cheaper car. I need basics right now, not luxuries. Still thinking about what the boss said on Friday: “you’re better than that.” I think he’s right, but he doesn’t know why. I’m better than that job altogether.

-xkp